Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me as a therapist: omg same