The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
👾👾👾
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.