I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?