Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.