[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course