The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
ACED my prostate exam!
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
2 years later
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.