If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
You Might Also Like
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.