I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You Might Also Like
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*