Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
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“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
all that yoga finally paid off
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Um … Hot Wings please
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”