FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
only 11 steps left
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Yoga Matt
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower