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[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
How to draw a duck
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”