Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
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Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
need him
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit