Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I found your tweet-up…
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this