Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
found this cool rock hiking today
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)