I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook