I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
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This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
12653.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.