Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold