Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
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Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.