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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
The asteroid..
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.