Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You Might Also Like
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.