Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
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I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism