3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*limbos under the caution tape
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
☺️
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too