Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Morning my dudes.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Great acting.. 😂
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
How did we decide to go with cockpit?