As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
How it started How it’s going
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
When you’re here for the treats.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.