Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes