NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist