MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.