mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.