Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
“you changed” bro i was 15
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.