I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”