It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
You’ll be OK
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS