People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing