What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Most fashion shows these days…
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?