Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
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me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.