Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
2022 be like
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?