At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.