[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Received some very disappointing news today
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now