getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
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Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently