Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
my professor scared me for a second
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.