my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.