Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming