You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
That de-escalated quickly
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Best spoiler warning ever
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”