Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet