I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
$3 #books
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
wait.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.