“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Ironic
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours