people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
#merica
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it