cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct