My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
☠️☠️☠️
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
mariah carrie
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or