humans only use 10% of their treadmills
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
181.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
A family that plays together cheats.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
New tinder profile pic