Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
TRAIN’S HERE
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve